Local police this morning report thousands missing on the North Side of Chicago. An apparent overnight rapture has claimed most residents of the neighborhoods surrounding Wrigley Field; those left behind appear to have been relative newcomers to the Wrigleyville area, migrating South Siders and entry level young professionals from out of state.
In a related development earthquakes, tornadoes and pillars of fire devastated much of the rest of the planet while celestial lights proved blinding to communities across the globe. U.N. officials explained that the Cubs baseball victory after a 108 year drought initiated a series of events they are loosely describing as the apparent end of time. Sporadic commuter rail disruptions have also been reported.