God wants the Dodgers to win tonight. Here’s why

Photo by Antonio De Loera.
  1. The Astros’ stadium used to be called Enron Field. Enron? Was Usury Park taken?

  2. God is tight with Vin Scully! (editor’s note: amended from blasphemous claim “God is Vin Scully”).

  3. We're still reaping divine favor from Sandy Koufax refusing to pitch on the Sabbath.

  4. In moving from Brooklyn (average attendance at Ebbets Field in 1957: 13,354) to Los Angeles (average attendance at Dodger Stadium in 2017: 46,492), the Dodgers are a continuation of what many scholars call the entire biblical storyline: Exodus to the Promised Land.

  5. The Astros never moved from anywhere, but they used to be named after a Colt .45, that is, a pistol (God prefers slingshots, ’strohounds!).

  6. Remember Kirk Gibson’s home run? “Mir·a·cle (ˈmirək(ə)l/); noun: an event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.”

  7. Justin Verlander’s last name means “One who dwells on pasture land.” Guess who grazed his sheep on pasture land. Abel. And we saw how that worked out for him! In fact, you know who’s the only pitcher to throw a perfect game against the Astros? Matt Cain.

  8. The Astros’ third baseman Alex Bregman went down to the crossroads a fortnight ago and sold his soul to the devil to have the kind of Series he’s having.

  9. Los Angeles (“El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles”) is named in honor of Mary, the Mother of God herself. Houston, on the other hand, is named for a street on the northern border of SoHo, and no one even goes to that neighborhood anymore, it’s so boring.

  10. That last line is a joke, you humorless bonesaws.

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