God wants the Dodgers to win tonight. Here’s why

Photo by Antonio De Loera.
  1. The Astros’ stadium used to be called Enron Field. Enron? Was Usury Park taken?
     

  2. God is tight with Vin Scully! (editor’s note: amended from blasphemous claim “God is Vin Scully”).
     

    Advertisement
  3. We're still reaping divine favor from Sandy Koufax refusing to pitch on the Sabbath.
     

  4. In moving from Brooklyn (average attendance at Ebbets Field in 1957: 13,354) to Los Angeles (average attendance at Dodger Stadium in 2017: 46,492), the Dodgers are a continuation of what many scholars call the entire biblical storyline: Exodus to the Promised Land.
     

  5. The Astros never moved from anywhere, but they used to be named after a Colt .45, that is, a pistol (God prefers slingshots, ’strohounds!).
     

  6. Remember Kirk Gibson’s home run? “Mir·a·cle (ˈmirək(ə)l/); noun: an event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.”
     

  7. Justin Verlander’s last name means “One who dwells on pasture land.” Guess who grazed his sheep on pasture land. Abel. And we saw how that worked out for him! In fact, you know who’s the only pitcher to throw a perfect game against the Astros? Matt Cain.
     

  8. The Astros’ third baseman Alex Bregman went down to the crossroads a fortnight ago and sold his soul to the devil to have the kind of Series he’s having.
     

  9. Los Angeles (“El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora la Reina de los Ángeles”) is named in honor of Mary, the Mother of God herself. Houston, on the other hand, is named for a street on the northern border of SoHo, and no one even goes to that neighborhood anymore, it’s so boring.
     

  10. That last line is a joke, you humorless bonesaws.

Comments are automatically closed two weeks after an article's initial publication. See our comments policy for more.

Advertisement

The latest from america

Catherine Pakaluk, who currently teaches at the Catholic University of America and holds a Ph.D. in Economics from Harvard University, describes her tweet to Mr. Macron as “spirited” and “playful.”
Emma Winters October 19, 2018
A new proposal from the Department of Homeland Security could make it much more difficult for legal immigrants to get green cards in the United States. But even before its implementation, the proposal has led immigrants to avoid receiving public benefits.
J.D. Long-GarcíaOctober 19, 2018
 Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano, then nuncio to the United States, and then-Cardinal Theodore E. McCarrick of Washington, are seen in a combination photo during the beatification Mass of Blessed Miriam Teresa Demjanovich at the Cathedral Basilica of the Sacred Heart in Newark, N.J., Oct. 4, 2014. (CNS photo/Gregory A. Shemitz)
In this third letter Archbishop Viganò no longer insists, as he did so forcefully in his first letter, that the restrictions that he claimed Benedict XVI had imposed on Archbishop McCarrick—one he alleges that Pope Francis later lifted—can be understood as “sanctions.”
Gerard O’ConnellOctober 19, 2018
Kevin Clarke tells us about his reporting from Iraq.
Olga SeguraOctober 19, 2018