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Robert David SullivanAugust 19, 2022
(Jason Hargrove from Toronto, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.)(Jason Hargrove from Toronto, CC BY 2.0, via Wikimedia Commons.)

It is time to defund the police. I haven’t called them in years, and I need that tax money back to subscribe to Disney Plus.

It is time to defund the I.R.S. My printer is broken, so I don’t have any financial records past 2012, and I need that tax money back to buy a No Soliciting sign for my front door.

It is time to defund public transportation. I’m uncomfortable sitting next to someone wearing a mask and afraid to sit next to someone who refuses to wear a mask, and I need that tax money back so I can tip just enough not to get a low passenger rating on Uber.

It is time to defund the F.B.I. They can’t catch everyone who wants to blow things up anyway, and I need that tax money back to sue my city council for putting a bike lane in front of my house.

It is time to defund the Fourth of July. Patriotic celebrations attract the wrong element, and I need some quiet so I can watch “Shark Tank.”

It is time to defund the Fourth of July. Patriotic celebrations attract the wrong element, and I need some quiet so I can watch “Shark Tank.”

It is time to defund public libraries. Kids are exposed to enough crazy ideas these days without reading about them, and why do we need libraries when my neighbors are putting up little wooden book dispensers for free? Besides, I need that tax money back so I can contribute to Moms Against Drag Queens.

It is time to defund high school sports. I was always picked last for basketball anyway, and I need that tax money back for an exercise bike that looks good on Instagram.

It is time to defund public health departments. Everyone can self-diagnose on the internet now anyway, and I need that tax money back to stock up on miracle mineral solutions.

It is time to defund my parish. The Mass times are inconvenient, and I need that collection money back to subscribe to a YouTube channel on the evils of Vatican II.

It is time to defund the Environmental Protection Agency. They can’t stop dirty air coming here from China, and I need the tax money back for a new backyard grill.

It is time to defund my parish. The Mass times are inconvenient, and I need that collection money back to subscribe to a YouTube channel on the evils of Vatican II.

It is time to defund public education. I don’t have any kids, and if I did, I would homeschool them with those little wooden book dispensers in my neighborhood. Besides, I need that tax money back to soundproof my meditation room.

It is time to defund my local newspaper. It keeps publishing opinion columns I don’t agree with, and I need that subscription money back for a month’s worth of T-shirts telling everyone what they can do with their opinions.

It is time to defund the military. I’m more afraid of my neighbors than I am of the Russians or the Chinese, and I need that tax money back for a few automatic rifles and a barbed-wire fence.

In fact, it is time to defund everything. It’s the one big idea that could bring all of us Americans together.

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