Does God know my heart better than I do?

A Reflection for Saturday of the Thirty-first Week in Ordinary Time

Find today’s readings here.

Is it possible that God knows my heart if I don’t always feel like I know it myself?

In today’s Gospel, Jesus tells us that we cannot “serve God and mammon,” and that it doesn’t matter how much we try to prove our righteousness to others if we are not actually putting God first. But what if we ourselves are confused about what our actual motivations are? 

I often feel like I am drowning in a whirlpool of my many desires. I want to have nice things; I want to go out with friends to cool bars and nice restaurants; I want to travel; I want to shop. I want to spend time with my family. I want to sit in the park and read all day. I want to get an elite education and then a prestigious job. 

When I chase my many hopes and desires, I try to do so with an eye towards justice and with a heart that faces God. I try to keep faith a key part of my decision-making process. But there’s no doubt that an interest in “human esteem” sometimes starts to creep in. God surely doesn’t care about my sweaters and my shoes, but I still keep buying new ones, even when the ones I have will suffice. It’s easy to convince myself that my goals are noble and my intentions are pure. But can I be sure? Am I simply writing the things I find pleasurable off as somehow being aligned with God’s plan for me? 

Jesus tells us that God can see through our attempts to hide our obsession with the material world from those we encounter; that though we may pass ourselves off as pious to others, we will never be able to deceive him. But I don’t worry that I’m fooling everyone around me into thinking I’m living a faithful life—I’m more afraid that I’m justifying my choices so thoroughly that I’m actually fooling myself. 

In order to combat this fear, I have begun asking God to help me know that my desires and choices are rooted in faithfulness, not selfishness. I’ve been praying for this guidance because it’s sometimes hard for me to tell where my earthly self-interest ends and where my love for God begins, despite my best attempts to convince myself that I am not chasing “human esteem.”

The idea that you can’t fool God because God “knows your heart,” might come off a bit intimidating or even ominous at first read. But in my own life right now, I find it comforting. In the confusion of life, I could use some clarity. I might not know how to distinguish between my human desires and my pursuit of holiness, but if God knows my heart, then he may be able to help me sort it out.

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